Man Pulled from Burning Building Not Thankful
Renton, WA—Firefighters were shocked to receive word today that Marvin Williams, a man pulled from a burning apartment building minutes before it collapsed, isn't thankful for being rescued. Williams sent a letter to the local fire department that described his lack of thanks, including phrases such as: "I wish I had died in that fire," and, "Thanks for nothing, you bastards." Williams declined to comment.
First Game of Space Football a Success
Space, Final Frontier—NASA is extremely pleased with the success of their first game of Space Football, which took place yesterday while the space shuttle Galant orbited the earth. Astronauts Jim Thomas and Marty Cauldwell tossed a football back and forth three times. "It doesn't get more American than throwing around the old pigskin while in space," Thomas said. Cauldwell agreed, adding, "Thomas throws like a pansy, but it was a lot of fun." Next month, NASA will begin taping the first television series filmed in space, America's Next Top Model: In Space.
Attempted-Murder Victim Still Scared of Murderers
Norfolk, VA—In a bizarre twist, Sally Jenkins, who was nearly murdered three days ago, is still afraid of murderers. During a police lineup today, Jenkins was barely able to sit still as nine murderers were brought into the room, and she began crying when the chief of police asked the men to make "murder faces" and to say things like, "I wish I had successfully murdered you, Sally Jenkins, and I'm going to try again." Eventually, Jenkins fingered one of the men—Gary Fisher—and was allowed to return to the hospital.